I hate it, I hate stress. I hate that feeling in your stomach and that pounding headache. I hate stress.
Exams! And they're not even real exams, they're just practice ones for next year when we have real ones. I'm so stressed, and stress has no helping hand in my life right now.
Why do I always feel like I'm stuck in this place, my head is stuck in the dark clouds and I don't know how to get out. I don't even know if I want to. I hate myself. I hate who I am now, I'm scared and lonely. How am I lonely with so many people around me? How can I tell myself these hurtful things?
I've been writing in a diary and it's really been helping me. I'll share a few entries....
23/09/12 - The day after my best friend left for three weeks.
I'm such a negative thinker. Every thought I have is a bad one. I've gotten so bad I've lost all my normal mind and I am wondering what the point of me being alive is. I'm sick of this. I honestly just don't know what to do! I feel like I've got something stuck in my body and it is speaking through my mouth and living in my brain. I can't think anything good. I feel like I've been pushed down a dark hole and I can't see any way out. Sometimes I want to leave to see if anyone would really miss me. It's just so funny how you can be so
happy for that one minute, and you let one person pull you down to where you started. Just when I thought everything had gotten on track. Boom, here comes the train...
I hate feeling alone, I feel pathetic because I hang on to everyone's words for security. I need some self respect and confidence back. I don't know who stole it, but who ever it was, FUCKK YOU!
3/10/12 - A week after I had a breakdown at school.
I don't know why I'm hurting but I am. I'm always waiting for something amazing to happen. Clishe' as it is, no one understands. I want something amazing and magical. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I don't know if it would make a difference if Jordan was here, but I really wish she was.
So yes, I think that I was actually quite depressed on the 23rd of September. I had been depressed for months and no one knew, because I convinced myself no one cared. I hate feeling sorry for myself but you know what, I think I atleast deserve not to completely hate myself.
I think that I deserve some happiness. I hope that it is my turn.
- Emily Grace ♥
