I hate it, I hate stress. I hate that feeling in your stomach and that pounding headache. I hate stress.
Exams! And they're not even real exams, they're just practice ones for next year when we have real ones. I'm so stressed, and stress has no helping hand in my life right now.
Why do I always feel like I'm stuck in this place, my head is stuck in the dark clouds and I don't know how to get out. I don't even know if I want to. I hate myself. I hate who I am now, I'm scared and lonely. How am I lonely with so many people around me? How can I tell myself these hurtful things?
I've been writing in a diary and it's really been helping me. I'll share a few entries....
23/09/12 - The day after my best friend left for three weeks.
I'm such a negative thinker. Every thought I have is a bad one. I've gotten so bad I've lost all my normal mind and I am wondering what the point of me being alive is. I'm sick of this. I honestly just don't know what to do! I feel like I've got something stuck in my body and it is speaking through my mouth and living in my brain. I can't think anything good. I feel like I've been pushed down a dark hole and I can't see any way out. Sometimes I want to leave to see if anyone would really miss me. It's just so funny how you can be so
happy for that one minute, and you let one person pull you down to where you started. Just when I thought everything had gotten on track. Boom, here comes the train...
I hate feeling alone, I feel pathetic because I hang on to everyone's words for security. I need some self respect and confidence back. I don't know who stole it, but who ever it was, FUCKK YOU!
3/10/12 - A week after I had a breakdown at school.
I don't know why I'm hurting but I am. I'm always waiting for something amazing to happen. Clishe' as it is, no one understands. I want something amazing and magical. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I don't know if it would make a difference if Jordan was here, but I really wish she was.
So yes, I think that I was actually quite depressed on the 23rd of September. I had been depressed for months and no one knew, because I convinced myself no one cared. I hate feeling sorry for myself but you know what, I think I atleast deserve not to completely hate myself.
I think that I deserve some happiness. I hope that it is my turn.
- Emily Grace ♥
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Monday, 27 August 2012
When it rains, It pours ♥
I look back now and laugh at how I saw those other situations. I try to remember what I did to keep going, anything to help now. Because I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through this time. My thoughts are so cloudy and every day I wonder what I'm going to do next, wonder if I'll make it through today.
Am I alone? Because I feel like even in this world full of 9 Billion people, I'm on my own. Why doesn't anyone care about me, about my feelings? I just give absolutely everything and I still get nothing in return. Aren't you supposed to recieve Karma in life? What goes round comes around right, so I've tried my hardest to give good, so why do I keep gettng kicked while I'm down? Everything is a drag, I'm lost, I can't keep my feet on the ground.I've lost everything, I've lost myself.
What am I going to do? I wish someone would just care enough to tell me how to make it through this. I don't know what to feel, think or believe anymore.
I want to wake up feeling the love, feeling the life and feeling alive ♥
But we can't always get what we want right?
Am I alone? Because I feel like even in this world full of 9 Billion people, I'm on my own. Why doesn't anyone care about me, about my feelings? I just give absolutely everything and I still get nothing in return. Aren't you supposed to recieve Karma in life? What goes round comes around right, so I've tried my hardest to give good, so why do I keep gettng kicked while I'm down? Everything is a drag, I'm lost, I can't keep my feet on the ground.I've lost everything, I've lost myself.
What am I going to do? I wish someone would just care enough to tell me how to make it through this. I don't know what to feel, think or believe anymore.
I want to wake up feeling the love, feeling the life and feeling alive ♥
But we can't always get what we want right?
Monday, 13 August 2012
Stuck in the clouds ... ♥
So from the outside in, I've got a smile on my face, but the smile isn't in my eyes. The laugh leaves my lips but doesn't touch my heart in the slightest. The words are spoken oh so quietly, but mean nothing. I look like I'm here, but I've been gone for a while now.
I reckon I'd be an amazing professional poker player, I'd be rich and I'd win all the time, I would be the best poker player because I've got the best poker face there is.
My head is stuck in the clouds you see, but not those white fluffy clouds that keep you floating around, it's the storm clouds that are far in the distance, that's where I am. I never feel alive anymore, my vision is blocked by this dark haze. Can you pull me down please? Can you please place my feet back on the ground and show me the life I'm missing? I need you to hold my hand because the ride is tough, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it by myself.
I love remembering great memories, it's the best of feelings ♥
My ankles hurt, but the pain was definately worth it. To be sitting there on the soft, white snow.
I looked to my feet at the board attached to my big boots, then to my left at the feet next to me with the almost an identical board. Jordan smiled at me, and we both looked around, absorbing the amazing picture around us. Holding gloved hands, we stood up, and started to slide down the mountain, facing eachother with grins.
I reckon I'd be an amazing professional poker player, I'd be rich and I'd win all the time, I would be the best poker player because I've got the best poker face there is.
My head is stuck in the clouds you see, but not those white fluffy clouds that keep you floating around, it's the storm clouds that are far in the distance, that's where I am. I never feel alive anymore, my vision is blocked by this dark haze. Can you pull me down please? Can you please place my feet back on the ground and show me the life I'm missing? I need you to hold my hand because the ride is tough, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it by myself.
I love remembering great memories, it's the best of feelings ♥
My ankles hurt, but the pain was definately worth it. To be sitting there on the soft, white snow.
I looked to my feet at the board attached to my big boots, then to my left at the feet next to me with the almost an identical board. Jordan smiled at me, and we both looked around, absorbing the amazing picture around us. Holding gloved hands, we stood up, and started to slide down the mountain, facing eachother with grins.
Monday, 30 July 2012
Lets start again ♥
When the road gets bumpy, I'm the seatbelt who keeps you safe.
When you're not sure which path to take, I'm the one who holds you hand and creates a new one.
When the scars are so visible, I stand next to you, proud of who you are.
Where did we go?
Are we hiding?
Well the games over, lets go home back to where we were ♥
When you're not sure which path to take, I'm the one who holds you hand and creates a new one.
When the scars are so visible, I stand next to you, proud of who you are.
Are we hiding?
Well the games over, lets go home back to where we were ♥
Monday, 23 July 2012
Changing the tail .... ♥ xx
Hi my name is Emily Grace McKay,
I am secretly a mermaid and I have a special connection with sharks.
When I was asked what I want to do as a career I said I was going to be a shark trainer at sea world.
When someone tries to to tell me I should do better at something, I tell them that imagination is more important than knowledge.
I sing instead of crying, and I'm never truly happy unless I'm near a beach.
I love to write creatively and I'm scared to think of the future.
I smile when I see waves, and I want to cry when I can't get in the water though.
You'd probably think I'm weird, I think that I'm amazingly different ♥
The eyes are the windows to the soul,
so my eyes are always shining with imagination.
A picture is worth a thousand words,
so I surround myself with photos to remind myself of the amazing reasons I have to live.
When life gives you a thousand reasons to cry,
show life you have a thousand reasons to smile.
Changing the tail ..... ♥ (Part one) By Emily McKay
The dark brown eyes bored into my hypnotising green eyes, pleading me to save him, until I slowly opened my mouth and let my addicting voice ease his pain. I watched the plead drift away from the eyes to a look of peace while he drifted happily down to the bottom of the ocean to be left for no humans to find.
The usual feelings of guilt, sadness and disgust tingled through me from the tips of my long, tangled hair to the end of my purple shaded tail. The shipwrecking was tradition, and no one would ever question the Goddess of the Sea's rules, being banished to land was a punishment equal to death for a mermaid, and I was no special mermaid, I was just another young girl in the Thalassa Agapi Tribe. There were many tribes in the ocean realm.
Mermaids in the goddess's power were told the story of humans since birth. The human sailors put out giant nets in a small cove, quietly hidden in an untouched village, it captured half of a tribe all murdered aboard the ship while the rest of the tribe watched the humans call their family monsters and horrid names, slicing of their tails for souvenirs. That was when one mermaid began to sing, she sang a song to bring their lost ones souls to peace, but without realising the ship quietly started to move towards jaged rocks and crashed violently. That is when mermaids learnt to call humans to their death, promissing to have revenge against all human sailors who sailed near their cove.
Every girl child in Thalassa Agapi had to attend singing groups to train them for the ship wrecking, the boys were trained how to attack humans if in any circumstances a human escaped the enchanment of the murderous voices. I always had to lead the younger girls as singing was my strength. It was in one of my lessons that my amazing yet evil idea took over my mind.
"Oceana!" I snapped out of my thinking trance, seeing the eager faces of children watching me with curiosity.
"Oh sorry girls, I just got lost in your amazing voices!" I giggled, it seemed to take their interest away, turning to their friends to exchange comments on their singing.
Xena was a gorgeous mermaid with glorious blond hair that flowed like seaweed through the water, her eyes were a dead black and her skin , a dead white. Xena wouldn't even talk to me for three torturing days after I told her my evil idea, but on the third day of my worrying, Xena and newly found mermaid Ruby approached me after one of my lessons.
I didn't bother questioning her why the new mermaid was with her, I just dramatically to her and grabbed her in my arms.
"Please tell me you're with me?" I whispered shakely, those moments of silence killed me.
"I'll stand by you".
It was on.
It was time for a change in the ocean realm, and I would be the change.
I am secretly a mermaid and I have a special connection with sharks.
When I was asked what I want to do as a career I said I was going to be a shark trainer at sea world.
When someone tries to to tell me I should do better at something, I tell them that imagination is more important than knowledge.
I sing instead of crying, and I'm never truly happy unless I'm near a beach.
I love to write creatively and I'm scared to think of the future.
I smile when I see waves, and I want to cry when I can't get in the water though.
You'd probably think I'm weird, I think that I'm amazingly different ♥
The eyes are the windows to the soul,
so my eyes are always shining with imagination.
A picture is worth a thousand words,
so I surround myself with photos to remind myself of the amazing reasons I have to live.
When life gives you a thousand reasons to cry,
show life you have a thousand reasons to smile.
Changing the tail ..... ♥ (Part one) By Emily McKay
The dark brown eyes bored into my hypnotising green eyes, pleading me to save him, until I slowly opened my mouth and let my addicting voice ease his pain. I watched the plead drift away from the eyes to a look of peace while he drifted happily down to the bottom of the ocean to be left for no humans to find.
The usual feelings of guilt, sadness and disgust tingled through me from the tips of my long, tangled hair to the end of my purple shaded tail. The shipwrecking was tradition, and no one would ever question the Goddess of the Sea's rules, being banished to land was a punishment equal to death for a mermaid, and I was no special mermaid, I was just another young girl in the Thalassa Agapi Tribe. There were many tribes in the ocean realm.
Mermaids in the goddess's power were told the story of humans since birth. The human sailors put out giant nets in a small cove, quietly hidden in an untouched village, it captured half of a tribe all murdered aboard the ship while the rest of the tribe watched the humans call their family monsters and horrid names, slicing of their tails for souvenirs. That was when one mermaid began to sing, she sang a song to bring their lost ones souls to peace, but without realising the ship quietly started to move towards jaged rocks and crashed violently. That is when mermaids learnt to call humans to their death, promissing to have revenge against all human sailors who sailed near their cove.
Every girl child in Thalassa Agapi had to attend singing groups to train them for the ship wrecking, the boys were trained how to attack humans if in any circumstances a human escaped the enchanment of the murderous voices. I always had to lead the younger girls as singing was my strength. It was in one of my lessons that my amazing yet evil idea took over my mind.
"Oceana!" I snapped out of my thinking trance, seeing the eager faces of children watching me with curiosity.
"Oh sorry girls, I just got lost in your amazing voices!" I giggled, it seemed to take their interest away, turning to their friends to exchange comments on their singing.
Xena was a gorgeous mermaid with glorious blond hair that flowed like seaweed through the water, her eyes were a dead black and her skin , a dead white. Xena wouldn't even talk to me for three torturing days after I told her my evil idea, but on the third day of my worrying, Xena and newly found mermaid Ruby approached me after one of my lessons.
I didn't bother questioning her why the new mermaid was with her, I just dramatically to her and grabbed her in my arms.
"Please tell me you're with me?" I whispered shakely, those moments of silence killed me.
"I'll stand by you".
It was on.
It was time for a change in the ocean realm, and I would be the change.
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Believing life, love, mermaids and unicorns ♥
Laugh your heart out
Dance in the rain
Cherish the moment
Ignore the pain
Live, Laugh, LOVE ♥
Forgive and Forget
Life's to short to
Live with REGRET.
I wish I was a mermaid.
Every full moon I believe that there are wolves who attack and mermaids who swim.
Everytime it rains I think that someone up there must be upset.
I know that the stars are smiling at me.
I talk to the moon "Give me love, Give me courage, Give me Hope ♥"
The birds are watching me.
There are faeries in the garden.
I attract sharks for a reason.
I am a mermaid.
I'm special, I'm different, I have a reason.
I am magic.
I am magic.
I am magic.
Everything happens for a reason.
There is a reason for everything.
Sometimes you can't work out the reason.
Sometimes the reason seems cruel.
There is a reason for everything.
Everything happens for a reason.
Am I crazy?
Am I crazy to believe that i'm special?
Am I crazy to talk to the moon?
Am I crazy?
Nope, I just have more hope than everyone else that there is something magical in this world.
I may not show I care, but here's a surprise for you, I DO ♥
I don't care about normal stuff, like what people think of me, what happened yesterday or why something happens.
I care about those who matter.
I care about creating something for everyone.
Everyone deserves something magical in their life, it may be in disguise though.
So forgive and forget, for a magical thing could come out of it.
When the going gets tough, DANCE IN THE RAIN. Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine.
Laugh, ALOT. For laughter is the best medicine.
Cherish each moment as if it was your last.
BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU WANT.
Ignore all the pain.
Play with barbies ♥
Pretend you're a mermaid ♥
Talk to the moon ♥
Because as young as I am, there's one thing I've learnt.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
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